So What Now?

It’s at least two years before we make any sort of move. Two years to endure these empty fields. Aside from the emptiness there’s the whole practicality of it – it’s going to turn to weeds! It’s already started; this year is the worst ever for weed growth as we’ve gradually diminished our livestock population over the last few years. 

As I drive out in the morning I am in the habit of looking into the field, usually to see my beautiful horses munching on grass. Or in the evening on our dog walk I always watched them watching us. In the middle of the night if I needed a walk they were out there, quiet and kind of spooky, but brave in their knowledge of how safe we all really are. 

Now, emptiness. In my fields, in my heart, in my soul. 

I am grieving. 

Logically I know that we have done the right thing all ways around. I keep coming back to that logic, imagining them in their new happy place. 

And we are free! We can go WHEREVER we want to WHENEVER we want to … as long as the dogs can come. We haven’t been able to do that in a very long time. And when we could before we didn’t have the means, so this is a new freedom, really. 

So if I am free, where is my joy? 

Each day it gets a tiny bit easier. Maybe in a few months the pang in my heart will soften to a soft thump every time I look out at the field, or see a picture of horses. 

Suddenly, I am seeing pictures of horses everywhere. On the internet. In my computer files. A continual reminder of my voluntary loss. 

WHAT are we going to do for the next two years? Listen to the silence; the silence that is more absolute now than it was a few days ago. 

 The presence of a soul is an enormity. 

I feel like I have retired from life when I should be feeling like I’m embarking on a new exciting adventure. Except that my new exciting adventure is a few years away yet. I will have to create mini exciting adventures to pass the time. 

Which I will do. 

Jim and I are still working through the concept of “retiring” somewhere amazing. Where is this amazing place? Is it France? The more I read the more I wonder. Is it Germany? Even more of an unknown although the language is so much easier than French. Can I really leave my children an ocean away and be good with it? Really??? Really really really? I tell myself yes but what if they need us? 

Perhaps the grass is not so green on the other side of that ocean. Perhaps it is. We will give it a try and see, just a little bit, where the wind blows us. I will try to listen to its quiet message and follow my true heart. 

  Either way, we’re going somewhere.